I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
