4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
