my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
