Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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