So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
