Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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