Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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