it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
