And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
