i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
