she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
