Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
