I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
