New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
