"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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