was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
