Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
