Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
