The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
