when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
