evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
