the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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