I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Please don't give away my fajitas
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
