I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
