I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
