I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
