so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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