It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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