I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
