I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
