I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
