Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
