we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
