I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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