So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
