I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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