Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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