I need to stop coming to work sober
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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