My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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