So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
