we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
