get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
