Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
