You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
