Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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