Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
