Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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