nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
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I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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