I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
