I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
