Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
